mohammadalisalih.com Blog

NEWS AND VIEWS:

VIEWS: WOMEN AND SEX: CHEATING

This is my fourth decade in America, and I, the village boy from the banks of the Nile River in northern Sudan, am still trying to understand America and the Americans. I have always believed in the natural differences between men and women, wherever and whenever they are.

Recently, I have come to belief in a new phrase: “way of thinking”; basic differences between nations and people are due to the differences in ways of their thinking.

So, if women have different ways of thinking than men, men may not – will not? — be able to understand them; and vice-versa.

This Sudanese village boy is having hard time understanding the American men way of thinking, let alone the American women’s. And let alone women complicated subject of cheating. (Read below).

But, this Sudanese village boy believes that the question of right and wrong doesn’t have anything to do with men and women, American or Sudanese, now or before Christ.

This Sudanese village boy believes that the Koran is the ultimate judge in moral disputes, and the Koran, interestingly enough, calls upon people “not to get close to adultery.”

Idealism? Yes, but, if this Sudanese village boy wants to belief in a moral opinion, it better be an ideal one.

———————————————-

NEWS: “WASHINGTON POST”: ANNA HOLMES: WHEN A WOMAN CHEATS:

… The psychological motivations of men who fool around are varied. The only thing to be said is that a man who commits adultery or sends topless photos while engaged in a committed, monogamous relationship is pathetic and wrong and should grow up already…

I feel somewhat differently with regard to women. At least, I used to…

Writer Erica Jong, whose seminal 1973 novel “Fear of Flying” caused a firestorm with its frank depiction of an unhappily married woman indulging in casual sex with strangers, agrees with me on this point, saying that female infidelity feels “revolutionary,” adding that, “the context in which we find ourselves is that men still have the power, and so a woman who can say, ‘I take what I want,’ is a revelation.”

That power imbalance is reflected in and reinforced by the messages communicated to women — single and partnered — every day of our lives.

Even supposedly enlightened women’s media outlets push the message that male satisfaction should be our primary objective. Just take a look at the latest issue of Cosmopolitan: “His 6 Secret Sex Spots,” blares one headline. “What Men Crave in July,” promises another…

This month, a group of Malaysian women launched the Obedient Wife Club, which purports to teach women how to be more dutiful to their husbands (and therefore prevent male adultery)…

Obviously, times have changed, at least in the United States. Women who carry on affairs or cheat on their husbands are not commonly driven from our borders or publicly mocked by elected officials. They don’t necessarily lose custody of their kids…

But the fact remains that the contemporary Western narratives around female infidelity remain rooted in fear (she’s a powerful influence for evil) and ignorance (it just doesn’t happen that often)…

Lastly, there are significant differences in when women and men decide to cheat. Experts say that female infidelity is considered more damaging to a relationship because, by the time women stray, for them, the marriage is effectively already over…

————————————

NEWS AND VIEWS:

VIEWS: SLUT WOMEN

Born and lived for 16 years in a poor and small village on the Nile River, in northern Sudan, south of the borders with Egypt, in a very conservative Islamic region, I was used to see all women very well covered (but no hijab, face cover).

When a villager visited the far away city, he returned repeating a poem of his own words that partially said: “Shame, I saw young women not covering their legs.”

When I went to the city for high school, I, now a teenager, was more excited than appalled. Then there were the “khawajiya” (white women) showing their legs, arms, necks and hairs – more than the natives.

When I came to America, almost 40 years ago, I saw women showing their thighs. Of course on the beach and around swimming pools I saw women showing more – exciting scenes like the ones I used to see in movies and magazines.

Hot pants, short pants and short-short pants. Low-cut, very low-cut and very very low-cut dresses. Narrow, wide and wider mid-rifts. And, during the last ten years, parts, more parts and more more parts of breasts. No nipples yet.

Now in my late 60′s, I am still attracted. The blonder, the more revealing, the more attraction.

I understand the “new” arguments that a man should control himself when attracted to a woman in revealing clothes, but, what is “revealing”?

Of course, I am not talking about rape, but I strongly believe that men, naturally, have always been and will always be attracted to women – any women.

I am afraid the “Sluts” don’t convince me. (Read below)

—————————————————-

NEWS: “WASHINGTON POST”: JESSICA VALENTI

Jessica Valenti, the founder of Feministing.com, is the author of “The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession With Virginity Is Hurting Young Women” and the forthcoming “Why Have Kids? The Truth About Parenting and Happiness.”

—————————————–

“More than 40 years after feminists tossed their bras and high heels into a trash can at the 1968 Miss America pageant — kicking off the bra-burning myth that will never die — some young women are taking to the streets to protest sexual assault, wearing not much more than what their foremothers once dubbed “objects of female oppression” in marches called SlutWalks.

It’s a controversial name, which is in part why the organizers picked it. It’s also why many of the SlutWalk protesters are wearing so little (though some are sweatpants-clad, too). Thousands of women — and men — are demonstrating to fight the idea that what women wear, what they drink or how they behave can make them a target for rape.

SlutWalks started with a local march organized by five women in Toronto and have gone viral, with events planned in more than 75 cities in countries from the United States and Canada to Sweden and South Africa. In just a few months, SlutWalks have become the most successful feminist action of the past 20 years.

In a feminist movement that is often fighting simply to hold ground, SlutWalks stand out as a reminder of feminism’s more grass-roots past and point to what the future could look like.

The marches are mostly organized by younger women who don’t apologize for their in-your-face tactics, making the events much more effective in garnering media attention and participant interest than the actions of well-established (and better funded) feminist organizations. And while not every feminist may agree with the messaging of SlutWalks, the protests have translated online enthusiasm into in-person action in a way that hasn’t been done before in feminism on this scale.

The protests began after a police officer told students at Toronto’s York University in January that if women want to avoid rape, they shouldn’t dress like “sluts.” (If you thought the days of “she was asking for it” were long gone, guess again.)

The idea that women’s clothing has some bearing on whether they will be raped is a dangerous myth feminists have tried to debunk for decades. Despite all the activism and research, however, the cultural misconception prevails.

After an 11-year-old girl in Texas was gang-raped, the New York Times ran a widely criticized story this spring that included a description of how the girl dressed “older than her age” and wore makeup — as if either was relevant to the culpability of the 18 men accused of raping her.

When I speak on college campuses, students will often say they don’t believe that a woman’s attire makes it justifiable for someone to rape her, but — and there almost always is a “but” — shouldn’t women know better than to dress in a suggestive way?

What I try to explain to those students is part of what the SlutWalk protests are aiming to relay on a grander scale. That yes, some women dress in short, tight, “suggestive” clothing — maybe because it’s hot outside, maybe because it’s the style du jour or maybe just because they think they look sexy. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Women deserve to be safe from violent assault, no matter what they wear. And the sad fact is, a miniskirt is no more likely to provoke a rapist than a potato sack is to deter one.

As one Toronto SlutWalk sign put it: “Don’t tell us how to dress. Tell men not to rape.” It’s this — the proactive, fed-upness of SlutWalks — that makes me so hopeful for the future…”

————————————————

NEWS AND VIEWS:

VIEWS: BLACK MEN, WHITE WOMEN:

After many years of thinking and planning, I just sent out to 16 publishing agents my memoir book proposal. I am praying to get at least one agent’s acceptance, and, then I will pray that the agent will get at least one publishing house.

A chapter in the proposed book is about my years in America when I was confused about my identity, and whether I belonged to the Black Americans. I ended up believing, proudly, that my color doesn’t have anything to do with my identity, and that the core of my identity is my faith.

In the chapter, I will detail the many discussions I had with Black Americans about his subject; about my opinion that they were pre-occupied with their color, slavery, discrimination and the N-word; and about their opinions that, as one of them put it: “Brother, your grandfather was not a slave, and your parents were not born in Mississippi or Alabama.”

Now, during these Obama years, and because many years have passed since those discussions, I feel I was probably a little too harsh on my brothers.

I think I will never be able to understand the effects of past whites’ suppression on blacks today. This includes whites’ fear of blacks sexually attacking white women – and the effects of that on blacks today, men and women. (Read below).

—————————————

NEWS: WOMEN, BLACK AND WHITE, AMONG FREEDOM RIDERS: “THE WASHINGTON POST”

… The most iconic images and beloved texts from the 20th-century American civil rights struggle tend to be of and by men. King. John Lewis. Ralph Abernathy. Malcolm X. But the story of institutional racism, segregation and overt or perceived threats of violence — and the efforts to combat them — is, in many ways, the story of women. And their efforts, directly and indirectly, paved the way for the modern feminist movement…

As Danielle McGuire explains in her powerful 2010 book, “At the Dark End of the Street,” Southern black women were under constant threat of sexual assault by white males…

As for white women, particularly those in the South, they were disempowered in a different but no less effective way: They were considered precious, fragile trophies of the patriarchy who had to be protected from black male sexuality at all costs…

Women were often underestimated by men both inside and outside the movement. As Margaret Leonard, a white Freedom Rider and Georgia native arrested June 21, 1961, puts it, “I was pretty used to being treated the way [white] women are treated in the South, which is with great courtesy but not enormous respect intellectually”…

And Burks Brooks says that when Birmingham’s famously bigoted Commissioner of Public Safety Eugene “Bull” Connor drove her and six other Riders to the Alabama/Tennessee border in the early morning of May 18, 1961, she was able to engage him in friendly, sometimes saucy conversation.

This wouldn’t have been possible if she were a black male, she says, and the positive rapport between Burks Brooks and Connor “calmed down everything around us in that car”…

—————————————————-

NEWS AND VIEWS:

VIEWS: WOMEN AND SEX: MOVIE: BRIDESMAIDS

First, there are the eternal (and natural) man-woman differences and all the related problems.

Second, as more women are liberated, partially or fully, a communication problem seems to have emerged. On one side: “What do women want?” and, on the other side: “Do women need men?”

Third, there is my problem: an immigrant from a third world country, a Muslim, Arab and African, trying to be — and feel — at home in America.

Every day, I discover something new about women, in general, and about American women, in particular. But, hopelessly; I will never be able to understand them. American women, particularly, will continue to surprise me.

Still, have come to find that family-oriented, especially girlie, movies an important help as I try to understand. (Read below).

————————————————–

NEWS: BRIDESMAIDS, THE MOVIE: “WIKIPEDIA”

Annie and Lillian have been best friends since their childhood days growing up in Milwaukee.

When Lillian gets engaged, she asks Annie to be her Maid of Honor.

Lillian also selects four bridesmaids: Helen Harris, the wealthy wife of Lillian’s fiancé’s boss and Lillian’s new close friend; Becca, a newlywed who loves marriage and pities Annie because of her unmarried state; Megan, the aggressive sister of the groom; and Rita, a relative who is dissatisfied with her marriage and three sons.

While the wedding preparations continue, Annie’s personal life is falling apart. Her cake shop went bankrupt, forcing her to take a job at a jewelry store where she is an ineffective saleswoman and makes very little money.

She is kicked out of the apartment that she shares with a pair of invasive twins. Despite advice from her friends, Annie is in the midst of a self destructive relationship with a man who only thinks of her as a sex buddy.

Annie’s chaotic personal life, budgetary restrictions, and insecurity about Lillian and Helen’s friendship begin to take their toll as the wedding draws nearer…

———————————————–

VIEWS: WOMEN AND SEX: MOVIE: BRIDESMAIDS

First, there are the eternal (and natural) man-woman differences and the related problems.

Second, as more women are liberated, partially or fully, a communication problem seems to have emerged. On one side: “What do women want?” and, on the other side: “Do women need men?”

Third, there is my problem: an immigrant from a third world country, a Muslim, Arab and African, trying to be — and feel — at home in America.

Every day, I discover something new about women, in general, and about American women, in particular. But, hopelessly; I will never be able to understand them. American women, particularly, will continue to surprise me.

Still, I have come to find family-oriented, especially girlie, movies a tremendous help in my endeavor. (Read below).

—————————————–

NEWS: BRIDESMAIDS, THE MOVIE: “WIKIPEDIA”:

Annie and Lillian have been best friends since their childhood days growing up in Milwaukee.

When Lillian gets engaged, she asks Annie to be her Maid of Honor. Lillian also selects four bridesmaids: Helen Harris, the wealthy wife of Lillian’s fiancé’s boss and Lillian’s new close friend; Becca, a newlywed who loves marriage and pities Annie because of her unmarried state; Megan, the aggressive sister of the groom; and Rita, a relative who is dissatisfied with her marriage and three sons.

While the wedding preparations continue, Annie’s personal life is falling apart. Her cake shop went bankrupt, forcing her to take a job at a jewelry store where she is an ineffective saleswoman and makes very little money.

She is kicked out of the apartment that she shares with a pair of invasive twins. Despite advice from her friends, Annie is in the midst of a self destructive relationship with a man who only thinks of her as a sex buddy.

Annie’s chaotic personal life, budgetary restrictions, and insecurity about Lillian and Helen’s friendship begin to take their toll as the wedding draws nearer.

———————————————

NEWS AND VIEWS:

VIEWS: WOMEN, SEX AND WEINER

First, there are the eternal (and natural) man-woman differences and all the related problems.

Second, as more women are liberated, partially or fully, a communication problem seems to have emerged. On one side: “What do women want?” and, on the other side: “Do women need men?”

Third, there is my problem: an immigrant from a third world country, a Muslim, Arab and African, trying to be — and feel — at home in America.

Every day, I discover something new about women, in general, and about American women, in particular. But, hopelessly; I will never be able to understand them. American women, particularly, will continue to surprise me. (Read below).

———————————————————

NEWS: NAKED MAN? NOT SEXY: MONICA HESSE: “WASHINGTON POST”

A general note for men:

Over the weekend, it was revealed that Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.), or someone pretending to be Weiner, allegedly sent a photo of his bulging briefs to one of his Twitter followers.

Putting aside the issues of inappropriateness (the recipient was a college student) and accuracy (Weiner has maintained that his Twitter account was hacked in a prank), this fact remains:

Weiner, or someone pretending to be Weiner, apparently assumed that women would enjoy seeing photos of bulging briefs via Twitter.

We polled some women…

“I would like a photo of a made bed,” says Kathryn Roberts, who works at a law firm in Washington. “I would take rose petals, but I want them on top of a made bed.” And not that fake kind of made, either, where the comforter is smooth but the sheets are a jumbled mess.

“Or laundry,” adds her friend Andrea Neurohr.

“Folded laundry,” elaborates Roberts. “Maybe in a wicker basket.”

“I can picture liking a photo that’s a little private and romantic,” says Amy MacHarg of Arlington County. She could envision a photo of some massage oils, or perhaps a man sitting at a candle-lit table. He would be holding a pan. Because he had just cooked the meal.

Her friend Sara Monsef has a different dream. “I would like to see a photo of a man who has organized his books alphabetically and by genre,” she says.

Now that is kinky.”

———————————-

NEWS AND VIEWS:

VIEWS:  

BLONDE WOMEN ON FOX TV

This old man is still attracted to pretty blonde White women with golden hair, blue eyes, rosy cheeks, and, preferably, open neck and upper chest, and, even, a cross necklace.

I don’t exactly remember how and why this craze started; probably more than half-a-century ago, in my small and poor village, Wadi Haj (population 100), near the town of Argo, on the Nile River, in Northern Sudan, south of the borders with Egypt.  

Mahmoud, a villager who had returned after many years in Egypt, and was subscribing in “Almusawar,” a leading colorful weekly Egyptian magazine, allowed me, an intermediate school student, to read it every now and then. Beside photos of Gamal Abdul Nasser, the Egyptian president who, at that time, was leading a sensational nationalist movement that engulfed the Arab World, including Sudan, I treasured photos of beautiful Western movie female stars, and preferred  the ones with blonde hair.  As I started masturbation at that age, they were my favorite fantasy subjects.

Today, after 35 years of a happy marriage to an American who happens to be blonde, I am still attracted to them, even on conservative Fox News TV which, since a few years ago, seems fascinated with them. But, I believe Fox has some subtle political and racial messages like:

(A) To symbolize the dominant White culture by one of its “purist” features.

(B) To make that synonymous with conservatism.

(C) To attract men, Whites and non-Whites.

Imogen Lloyd Webber, a blonde British newscaster, who recently joined Fox News TV, didn’t mention, in this piece in “The Financial Times,” these racial and political implications.  But, she disclosed that news women presenters in British TVs tended to show more cleavage, but their American counterpart tended to show more legs.

The dictionary defines cleavage as “the space between a woman‘s breasts.” I don’t mind a woman, in a formal situation, showing her top cleavage, but not the lower part because that means showing most of the breasts.   Also, a cross would be completely inappropriate with that.

—————————————

NEWS: “WHAT NOT TO WEAR ON FOX”: IMOGEN LLOYD WEBBER, “THE FINANCIAL TIMES” (FEB 11, 2011):

‘”Welcome to Fox News. I’m blonde.” So spoofed Jane Krakowski on the hit US television series 30 Rock. Well, I appear regularly on the notoriously conservative Fox News television channel and – I admit – I am blonde, even if I am a “liberal”…

Turning up on Fox’s Morning Show with Mike and Juliet in smart dark trousers and a blue shirt with a slight flash of cleavage, (the exact outfit I had worn on the UK’s GMTV), I felt completely out of place. All air-destined females on the program that day may have had bare legs, but their necklines were uniformly high…

The US and UK diverge in their attitude towards certain issues, cleavage prime among them.  It is taboo in the former, but in the latter, the belle poitrine tends to be visible (whether Holly Willoughby’s plunging necklines on ITV1′s Dancing On Ice or Daybreak‘s Kate Garraway, whose neckline was so extreme during one program that she changed halfway through)…

Fox does employ highly skilled hair and make-up artists, with separate people for each task. At other networks, however, one person is often responsible for both – and perhaps, as a result, Fox’s (blonde) talking heads may appear more high-gloss…”

 ——————————————–

“Cosmopolitan” magazine keeps saying that “women were born to attract,” which is fine with this Third World traditional Arab Muslim, But, in rational, secular, individualistic and free America, it doesn’t seem an easy job because women apparently need to balance between the emotional (“I am pretty”) and the rational (“I am equal to you”). On the other hand, men apparently also need to balance between the emotional (“She is sexy”) and the rational (“She is equal to me”), which, at least for this man, is, also, not an easy job.

That was why I was intrigued by this piece from “Forbes” magazine, advising professional women, on “Not What to Wear to Work:
1. “Showing too much cleavage at work is the No. 1 fashion faux pas. Studies show that women who dress in sexy attire in a professional environment are more often passed over for promotions than women who dress more conservatively. Bottom line: If you want to get ahead, ditch the low-cut top.”
2. “Wearing a micro-mini may send the message that you’re trying to compensate for skills you lack in other areas. Also, the knee is a visual anchor. People’s attention will be drawn downward when they approach you, instead of toward your face where it should be. Put on a skirt that you can sit down in without showing too much thigh.”

3. “Summer materials look and feel cool and pretty, but in the light of a staff meeting, they can reveal the outlines of your legs — and much more. Clothes with lining are always a safe choice.”
4. “A rule of thumb when it comes to accessories in the workplace: Less is more. Costume jewelry, when worn in bulk, tends to look tacky. The real thing, on the other hand, can come off as gaudy. A boardroom-ready look includes one show stopper plus subtle accessories. That means if you’re going to put on a chunky beaded necklace, stick to minimal earrings and arm candy.”

While in Rome for the G8 summit, President Obama was pictured checking out a woman who was passing by, as the leaders, in their dark and almost identical business suits, were gathering. However, video shots showed there were many other women and Obama seemed to want to help this woman to find a spot.
Some conservatives, who don’t miss a chance not to criticized Obama, even personally, still picked up on the photo, and at least one of them in his radio show compared this behavior by Obama to that of former President Clinton who, obviously, didn’t stop at checking out Monica Lewinsky.
In a Muslim context, Prophet Mohammad was reported to have been asked about this check out and replied: “The first look is for you, but the second is against you,’ i.e. there is a difference between a quick look and a long and lustful look.
This old man, for 35 years happily and faithfully married, is still attracted to beautiful women. Actually, something about blondes – and my wife is one – that attracts me; in real life, in a photo, on TV, somehow, blondes with golden hair, bright white cleavage and thighs, stand out.
Recently, I read somewhere that a scientific research found that newly-borne male babies were more attracted to light, i.e. had strong vision sense, while similar female’s babies were more attracted to noise, i.e. had strong hearing sense. The research added that that was probably a scientific explanation of why men tended to first judge woman by their appearances, and why women tended to be more social, more “talkative.”
Also recently, I read somewhere that woman in Rome used to buy wigs made from hairs of blonde Scandinavian women to more attract their men.

Brigid Schulte, “The Washington Post”:

1.”I stand, topless and self-consciously hunched over in the dressing room, avoiding any eye contact with either of the two full-length mirrors … I feel exposed and a little silly and ready to just leave.“

2. “Maggie Nicoletti, manager of Full Cup lingerie boutique in Alexandria, VA: ‘Put your girls in.” With her index fingers, she performs the ‘windshield wiper’ move across the top. ‘The girls need to be talking over the fence.’”

3. Franchesca Carrasquillo, the owner’s daughter, lifts up her shirt to show her bra, saying:” It should fit like this, see?’”

4. “We women come in dissatisfied: We’re too short. Too tall. Too fat. Too skinny. Our breasts are too big, too saggy, too small. Ours is a society so titillated with a woman’s breasts. What women need is a refuge, a place where breasts can just be breasts.”

5.“Full Cup owner Frances Crespo: ’I want women to accept themselves. To be happy with whom they are, exactly where they are.’”

COMMENTS:

1, So, this is what happens behind curtains in the bra sections in stores.

2. I believe in Natural Law, the perfect law: Women are born to attract men. This shouldn’t be an inferiority complex; it should make women feel superior. I recently read somewhere a debate about whether a man marries a woman, or is it actually the woman who marries the man.

3. This old man, still attracted to blondes, tries to peek at beyond a smooth white cleavage. For some reason, a hanging cross adds to the beauty.